The day I made the choice.

In the summer of 2009, I was sitting on my bed with a hangover that makes me nauseous to think about even today! The night before, I drank so much that I could only recall a few bits and pieces of the night. I remember sneaking into a club with a friend and I remember some guys giving us some drinks. Everything after that I can only recall in short flashes of memory clips. One thing I do remember is suddenly seeing my mom’s face walking up to me in the club. To say she was livid would be an understatement. But I didn’t care. I remember telling her I wanted to move out as I was fumbling through the hall trying to get back to my room. I don’t remember anything after that.

The next morning was feeling like the death of me! And that’s exactly what it was. Little did I know, this would be the day that Jesus would call me to die to my old self. I was clearly desperate for life. I was miserable and that is exactly why I was consuming alcohol the way I was. It was why I was seeking out the attention from the guys in that club. And as I was sitting on my bed, my dad walks in. He has a bible in one hand and a sharpie in the other. I am staring at him in silence, completely apathetic. I couldn’t care less what either one of my parent’s had to say. I was unhappy and I was planning to move out in a couple of days anyway. But, my dad doesn’t say anything. He takes the sharpie and starts writing huge words… ON MY WALL. He writes two lists.

the writing on the wall 

On one side of the wall He writes:

LOVE,

JOY,

PEACE,

PATIENCE,

KINDNESS,

GOODNESS,

GENTLENESS,

FAITHFULNESS,

SELF CONTROL.

On the other side of the wall he writes:

ENVY,

JEALOUSY,

DRUNKENNESS,

FORNICATION,

IDOLATRY,

IMPURITY,

ANGER.

And then, He writes my name in huge bold letters in the middle of the two lists.

J A Z Z

 

First of all, I am still stunned that he is writing huge words with sharpie on my wall! But, I have too bad of a headache to even contest at this point. Secondly, I have no idea where he is going with this. I just wanted to endure this little life-lesson so I can try and go back to sleep. After he finishes writing, he looks at me and says that he loves me and it hurts him to see me in such a broken state. He looked at his lists and he said, “Jasmine, you are here (pointing to my name). You are trying to live your life in sin AND with God at the same time. You want both of these (referring to the two lists). But, because you are HERE, you are lukewarm. And God will spit out the lukewarm.” And he circles my name.

So, even at this age I knew exactly what bible verse He was talking about. And it struck a chord. It reached and pierced into the depths of my hurting heart. You see it is easy to recite verses, but it changes when these verses carry weight in your life. It was as if a veil had been lifted from my eyes. I know that God was using my dad to speak to me, in order to save my life. I had ignored God’s warnings and red flags for so many years. And the crazy thing is, when I ignored them all because I wanted to “have fun” and to live my life the way I thought was best, look where I ended up! Hung over and miserable.

GOD IS GOOD.

Looking back, I know that God used such an ugly and painful circumstance as a sign of redemption in my life. God knew me. He knew that once I put my heart & mind into something, I would go full force! And that’s exactly what I did. There was no turning back for me. Once I tasted God’s love and started learning more about who He was through reading His word, I was changed forever. My desires changed. My heart changed. I am in no way perfect, I just understand what Jesus did for me on that cross. He covered the shame of my sin so I wouldn’t have to walk in misery. Before that, I was constantly trying to convince myself that I was living a full, fun life and now I didn’t have to do that anymore. A burden was lifted because He had restored life back into me. I was able to get connected into a church that I loved, with a bunch of amazing people who were all trying to do the same thing as me: seek Jesus. They were not some weird christian kids that were perfect and socially awkward. They were real people, that enjoyed the same things as me. We are blessed because God always allows certain people in our lives to uplift and encourage us. It is just a matter of if we choose to surround ourselves with them.

I MADE THE CHOICE.

So, this was the moment I made a decision. I made it for myself. I made if for my family. I made it for my future family. Because we absolutely will never be satisfied in this life, without the love of God constantly nourishing us. We will always be left thirsty, tired & ashamed. The writing on my wall was clearly God working in my life in order to save it. It was the day I made the choice. And maybe you do have a strong relationship with the Lord, and that’s amazing! But if you don’t, I understand what it’s like to feel like something is missing. And I know the burden of seeking that void in everything else. Just know that you are loved beyond what you can imagine. And you don’t have to do a single thing to prove it. Speak to Him today because He cares about YOU. He is always pursuing you, throughout your entire life He pursues you. He just wants you to experience life with Him. You are enough in His eyes.